“Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven.
Review as written by editor of heartless-bitches.com

Pat’s book is an adjunct to a workshop/programme she holds called The Freedom Programme, in the UK. The book is largely about 8 types of “Dominator” behaviors that abusive partners can exhibit, and the power and control tactics they use in relationships. It’s about how to see them for what they are, and what belief systems underlie and reinforce their behaviors. In many respects, I think the title might be more appropriate if it were, “Recognizing the Dominator”, because really, that’s what this book is about.

Jacky Fleming has instructive and entertaining cartoons throughout the book that emphasize the points without being too flip or maudlin.

Pat worked for years as a probation officer, and spent two years working on their programme for male perpetrators of violence against women. In addition to learning about the attitudes and behaviors of abusive men, (and changing some of her own) she also came to realize that, “There is a very common misapprehension that a woman who has been abused has some understanding of what has happened to her. This is simply not true. When a woman is being subjected to abuse she feels that she’s in the middle of a very confusing mess and that it must be her fault.”

This compelled her to create The Freedom Programme in the UK. I wish we had a similar programme here in Canada.

If the email feedback I have had from this site is any indicator, I concur that abused women often don’t realize that the behavior they are experiencing is abusive, and seldom realize the very negative effect it has on their children (especially true if he is has not yet become physically violent). That’s why I think the section “Home Improvements”, in Pat’s book is so important. It explains the very real benefits to you and the children when the dominator is gone. Women who are living with abusers need to have a vision of what life can be like without that person in their lives.

Pat counteracts the descriptions of the Dominator types with their “good” counterpart, so the reader knows what an emotionally healthy individual looks like. I think this is an important component, since so many women caught up in abusive relationships lose perspective, and lose trust in their own judgment. As Margaret Atwood said in “The Handmaid’s Tale”, “Normal is what you get used to.” Unfortunately, for abused women, “normal” can be pretty fucked up.

Pat does an excellent job of analyzing the underlying social constructs, media, and cultural history that reinforce the behavior and beliefs of the Dominator and Dominator sub-types. She also talks about how that socialization affects the beliefs of women as well, and how we can internalize that twisted thinking to reinforce the abuser’s behavior, or reenact it ourselves.

It’s difficult to read at times – Pat describes quite graphically what the each type of dominator does, and I learned some things that sexual dominators do that horrified me. But for women who don’t realize they are being abused, it might just be the wakeup call they need.

Each section starts with a quote, and the one for chapter 10 is the most chilling, but a statistic I had heard before: “Most women are killed or injured when leaving the relationship.”

In this section Pat discusses, ‘The Rules of the Game’ – a circular series of events and tactics that keep the victim in the cycle of abuse. It’s kind of like Karpman’s drama triangle, in that there is no easy way out, and it’s a no-win situation if the other person is intent on keeping the cycle going.

She talks about all the ways that women “break” the (often changing) rules by refusing to comply with the dominator’s tactics, in order to try and escape. But she also highlights that this very often results in violence and lies, the purpose of which is to get the woman back into the cycle and compliant.

While she talks about ways to recognize the lead-up to a violent outburst, I think this is where the book could have used a few more tools or more information on what a woman needs to do to NOT get sucked back in and to protect herself from that potential for violence. ESPECIALLY since this is the point at which she is most likely to be killed or injured.

At the end of the book, Pat has some very good pointers for recognizing the early warning signs of each type of dominator. I found this very similar to the Red Flag List on HBI, but quite a bit more succinct.

Though the book references services and incidents in the UK, I think the concepts and archetypes are universal when it comes to abusive behavior. All in all, it’s a relatively quick and enlightening read, and well worth getting if you think you, or someone you care for might be suffering at the hands of an abusive partner. In fact, I think it should probably be required reading for most teenageers so that we can start breaking the cycle of dominance and abuse that is still so pervasive in our society.

It’s not yet available on Amazon.com, but you can get Living with the Dominator from Amazon.co.uk.

Emotional Abuse? - Ask yourself these questions:

* Are you afraid to say what you think for fear of retribution?
* Have you slowly stopped doing the things you like to do because you know he doesn’t like them?
* If you miss a phone call/text message/email, do you hurry to respond for fear of a fight?
* Does he ignore or reject you as “punishment” for your behavior?
* Do you find yourself agreeing to the things he says just to end/avoid an argument?
* Do you find yourself having to report where you are at all times?
* Even when you deserve it, does he refuse to apologize or admit you’re right?
* Or, even when it clearly isn’t, does he insist that something is your fault?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, and it's an issue on a consistent basis, there is a high chance that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Though the questions refer to a male, keep in mind that men are just as likely to be in emotionally abusive relationships, and may not even know it.
Why emotional abuse is just as bad a physical abuse

Emotional abuse is harder to recognize because it doesn’t have the obvious signs of physical abuse. A raised hand is physical abuse. Bruising is physical abuse. However, emotional bruising, although at times more damaging, is harder to recognize. Once you do recognize it then it’s the first step to improving the situation.
What you can do

Leave the relationship. There is a reason why this is the first response: people are stubborn. Not only is there a chance that he might not want to change, he could also be very aware of what he is doing and does not find anything wrong with his behavior. You clearly deserve better and this person does not deserve any more of your time.

Read more at Suite101: Recognizing Emotional Abuse: Questions that Help Recognize Emotional Control and Abuse http://emotional-verbal-abuse.suite101.com/article.cfm/recognizing_emotional_abuse#ixzz0rFwbnc5r

The following is from a website by Katherine Fox
-2007 all rights reserved - http://hypnotherapy.net/

Twelve Valuable Steps to Raise Your Self Esteem

As adults, we can choose the messages we accept or reject. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."

Building high self-esteem is a process, not something you can develop overnight," says Jeffrey Keller. "Yet, I believe every person has the capacity of high self-esteem. The question is, are you ready to make a commitment to increase your self-esteem?"

If your answer is yes, here are 12 steps to get you started:

Step One
Stop comparing yourself with other people. There will always be some people who have more than you and some who have less. If you play the comparison game, you'll run into too many "opponents" you can't defeat.

Step Two
Stop putting yourself down. You can't develop high self-esteem if you repeat negative phrases about yourself and your abilities. Whether speaking about your appearances, your career, your relationships, your financial situation, or any other aspects of your life, avoid self-deprecating comments.

Step Three
Accept all compliments with "thank you." Ever received a compliment and replied," Oh, it was nothing." When you reject a compliment, the message you give yourself is that you are not worthy of praise. Respond to all compliments with a simple Thank You."

Step Four
Use affirmations to enhance your self-esteem. On the back of a business card or small index card, write out a statement such as "I like and accept my self." or "I am valuable, lovable person and deserve the best in life." Carry the card with you. Repeat the statement several times during the day, especially at night before going to bed and after getting up in the morning. Whenever you say the affirmation, allow yourself to experience positive feelings about your statement.

Step Five
Take advantage of workshops, books and cassette tape programs on self-esteem. Whatever material you allow to dominate mind will eventually take root and affect your behavior. If you watch negative television programs or read newspaper reports of murders and business rip off; you will grow cynical and pessimistic. Similarly, if you read books or listen to programs, that are positive in nature, you will take on these characteristics.

Step Six
Associate with positive, supportive people. When you are surrounded by negative people who constantly put you and your ideas down, your self-esteem is lowered. On the other hand, when you are accepted and encouraged, you feel better about yourself in the best possible environment to raise your self-esteem.

Step Seven
Make a list of your past successes. This doesn't necessarily have to consist of monumental accomplishments. It can include your "minor victories," like learning to skate, graduating from high school, receiving an award or promotion, reaching a business goal, etc. Read this list often. While reviewing it, close your eyes and recreate the feelings of satisfaction and joy you experienced when you first attained each success.

Step Eight
Make a list of your positive qualities. Are you honest? Unselfish? Helpful? Creative? Be generous with yourself and write down at least 20 positive qualities. Again, it's important to review this list often. Most people dwell on their inadequacies and then wonder why their life isn't working out. Start focusing on your positive traits and you'll stand a much better chance of achieving what you wish to achieve.

Step Nine
Start giving more. I'm not talking about money. Rather, I mean that you must begin to give more of yourself to those around your. When you do things for others, you are making a positive contribution and you begin to feel more valuable, which, in turn, lifts your spirits and raises your own self-esteem.

Step Ten
Get involved in work and activities you love. It's hard to feel good about yourself if your days are spent in work you despise. Self-esteem flourishes when you are engaged in work and activities that you enjoy and make you feel valuable. Even if you can't explore alternative career options at the present time, you can still devote leisure time to hobbies and activities, which you find stimulating and enjoyable.

Step Eleven
Be true to yourself. Live your own life - not the life others have decided is best for you. You'll never gain your own respect and feel good about yourself if you aren't leading the life you want to lead. If you're making decisions based on getting approval from friends and relatives, you aren't being true to yourself and your self-esteem is lowered.

Step Twelve
Take action! You won't develop high self-esteem if you sit on the sidelines and back away from challenges. When you take action - regardless of the ensuing result - you feel better about yourself. When you fail to move forward because of fear and anxiety, you'll be frustrated and unhappy - and you will undoubtedly deal a damaging blow to your self-esteem.

The "real you" is a magnificent, unique being with enormous potential and capacity for experiencing love of yourself and extending love to others. As your self-esteem grows, this "real you" emerges. You begin to take more risks and not be afraid of failure; you aren't as concerned with getting approval of others; your relationships are much more rewarding; you pursue activities that bring you joy and satisfaction; and you will make a positive contribution to the world. Most importantly, high self esteem brings you peace of mind ... when you're alone, you truly appreciate the person you're with - yourself.

Gaslighting, is someone using this trap on you?

by Lori Hoeck on March 23, 2010

Gaslighter Reality
One of the most diabolical emotional abuses is Gaslighting. Ever heard of it? I hadn’t heard it named until I read a comment by a reader named Deborah a few months back.

Gaslighting according to Wikipedia, “is a form of intimidation or psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory and perception.”

The term derives from the 1938 stage play Gas Light…The plot concerns a husband who attempts to drive his wife to insanity by manipulating small elements of their environment, and insisting that she is mistaken or misremembering when she points out these changes. The title stems from the husband’s subtle dimming of the house’s gas lights, which she accurately notices and which the husband insists she’s imagining. ~Wikipedia

A few years ago, I was explaining to a boss something a client had told me. As I spoke, he rolled his head and eyes in his best, “Oh, Lori,” put-down body language.

He insisted “You are just being too sensitive” and “You are being too defensive about all this.” He argued for his version of what happened even though I kept telling him, “You weren’t even there.” He implied he knew my reactions better than I and that I was wrong. Finally, he switched to his cold, angry voice and verbal intimidation. How dare I question him?

You may know someone who “corrects” your choices or viewpoints (”You don’t want to read that book. It’s nonsense.”) or who makes up stuff about you to others and then lies to your face about it (”You are mistaken. Why would you make something like that up?“) Perhaps they act like all’s well in the midst of a relationship difficulty (“Why are you always upset?”) or blame you for everything (”If you loved me you’d stop this line of questioning.“)
How do you know Gaslighting is happening in your life? The list below comes from my experiences and from The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life by Robin Stern, Ph.D.
—

* You feel sabotaged but can’t explain it.
* You’re the one “needing” to apologize.
* You second guess yourself and feel a lot of draining confusion.
* You constantly feel like you have to prove yourself.
* You shoulder a lot of the blame in the relationship.
* Guilt follows you no matter what you do.
* It’s often implied you are inconsiderate, disrespectful, or too sensitive.
* You often defer to the other person’s take on a situation or matter.
* Life feels out of whack, but you can’t pinpoint the cause.
* As you think back, you remember being more carefree and confident.
* Lying seems easier to avoid drama or explanations.
* You feel you can’t defend yourself verbally or emotionally anymore.
* You find yourself accepting weird or bad behavior in the other person as normal.
* Confrontation with the other person has them offering a reasonable explanations and making you feel bad for questioning them.

Gaslighters feel so insecure, they are compelled to make you think they are right and get you to accept their version of reality, even if this shifts blame to you. Those on the receiving end often respect or admire this person and try to desperately seek their approval.

If you are in the middle of this kind of relationship, you are going to feel raw and drained. Please remember:

* You are valuable and no one has the right to tell you otherwise.
* You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone.
* Know you aren’t crazy. They are the crazy makers.
* Talk to healthier people about your value to them.
* Learn to recognize and let go of your need for approval from anyone.

“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen.” ~unknown

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said:'NO!' The girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, did what she pleased with her money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore painful lacy lingerie that went up her bum, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.
The End!!
~Unknown

"When we die and go to heaven, our Maker is not going to say, why didn't you discover the cure for such and such? The only thing we're going to be asked at that precious moment is why didn't you become you?" ~ELIE WIESEL

Here I go with God in my ear.
I don't quite know what I'm doing but he
will tell me in his own sweet time.
I'll trust in him to guide my feet through
known and unknown territories.