Pain2PowerPrinciple

Narcissists are masters of abusing surreptitiously.
They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live
with one in order to witness the abuse.

Perfect Storm
I believe that dreams are much more than whispers in our ears at bedtime. For a very long while, I stopped paying attention to my dreams because I thought they no longer mattered. I was getting by, keeping the peace and simply existing. This was very different from the simple doldrums some homemakers feel, It was a profound and sticky sadness I could never steer clear of.

Years before I'd been very sick. After a surgery to remove my damaged large intestine I was left with an ileostomy. At this point I thought it doesn't get much worse.... I was wrong. Having the ostomy was not the real issue. The issue was that my self-esteem had completely disintegrated. I fell victim to my circumstances then to a wolf in "tuxedo" clothing.

I gave up a great deal of precious time to please a man who was never satisfied. His demands of this and that, were somehow always out of reach and I thought it was my fault. I was married to a "Shadow" who pretended to love me but was incapable of real and genuine selfless love.

He was of the school of thought that the world owed him some special favor. Karma comes to mind now as I write this... He actually received what he gave others. How truly fitting because in his words he always attracted ..."the worst kind of luck".

I walked on eggshells. I prayed for change, I prayed for guidance,
I prayed that the walking on eggshells would end. After a while, you just stop praying. I was stuck and convinced that God was too busy
to see my pain let alone do something about it.

Imagine quicksand that stops just above your chin, glued to your body with no room to move or breathe or simply be. I became unable to make the simplest decisions and I doubted my ability to simply fold socks the "right" way. He needed a "stepford" wife. Not
a real wife with a pulse.

Eleven years into wedded bliss with a crazymaker, I now have a son turning 7. It’s interesting how children deal with dysfunction in the home. My son no longer reacted to daddy making mommy cry. It had become commonplace and normal for him. I felt I was losing my mind. I was painfully lonely and feared telling my family would make it all worse. I was still protecting him.

I lived in my head, a place I learned to hide
from him. Focusing on being a good Mom
during the day helped, but at night, I fought feelings of profound guilt for bringing such a beautiful innocent child into a world of shadows and lies. It became clear to me that I needed to get "out". I could no longer fool myself into believing that staying in it for “the sake of the child” would be a positive thing for anyone.

There was a fine line in the sand in that marriage. "The Shadow" on one side and us on the other. The shadow would come close to crossing it but as most cowards do, he’d shrink back again ... waiting for my reaction. He got off on showing me he was boss and he knew instinctively I was scared of him.

I find it hilariously pathetic when I’m posed with the question, Did he hit you dear? This is my standard reply:
The damage was done on the inside. He was NEVER satisfied. I moved mountains to be free of that life. Today I am wiser and stronger. Don't go it alone! Find your power and ask for help.

Fear and Pain can be very isolating. My illness and vulnerability created for me the "perfect storm." All the elements were there and I went under. Fifteen long years later, I remembered how to swim. (finally).
copyright 2010 - all rights reserved.

by L.Humphries

Fear by Stephen Brewster

Fear is the biggest force of resistance
Fear keeps us from failing
Fear keeps us from succeeding
Fear keeps us from trying
Fear keeps us comfortable
Fear makes us uncomfortable, so we pacify it
Fear drives us crazy
Fear makes us compromise
Fear makes us doubt
Fear keeps us still
Fear strips our originality
Fear scares us
Fear makes us hold tight to the status quo
Fear does not let us be creative

We are not confined by fear. Fear has no power over us. Beating fear opens our lives to possibilities that are amazing.

What is fear keeping you from today?